Saturday, January 28, 2006
it's been a long time since i updated. no one comes here anymore. school has started for 4 weeks and i'm already feeling so tired. i wish i can end my life now.
i am feeling very stressed now. everyone is expecting so much from me. school, co, dance, piano and whatever you can think of. everybody thinks i'm very stress free. but actually i'm not. i look very positive with ppl around me and thats why that they think i am so stress-free. there's no one i can really talk to and share my problems. i dun trust anybody. everybody got their own problem. like who will bother about me.
i have no true friends. nobody really understands me. even my best buddy whom i've known since primary school. we never really share our problems. he has his own problems to solve. i really got no one to talk to. so i decided to post this here. i'm talking to myself. SO PLEASE IGNORE ME.
sometimes i wonder if i'm suffering from depression. i break into tears suddenly and i myself can't explain what is the reason behind it. i've been trying very hard to keep myself alive in school. i've been hiding my feelings. cause there's no one who understands me.
ever since school started, there are so many assignments and tests. teachers are also expecting so much from us. in the past, i do not bother about tests and exams let alone assignments. i used to copy homework before school starts and cheat in class tests. but now, i do not. things change, human changes too. it's great that i've changed for the better and not the other way round.
however, in this manner, my parents expect even more from me. though they say it's ok to have a just pass, but when i come home with that kind of results they would say that i'm so stupid. adults are always lying. they just won't say what they really wants. it's so obvious that all they want is an A1. but sometimes i'm really stupid. i just can't get it. and i'll that stupid remarks from them.
i've studying hard these few weeks. i won't say it's to the extreme, but my father still says that i'm playing all day. that's one thing i really cannot stand. there's no way for me to talk back. cause if i do that, the next place i'll find myself is kneeling outside the house. so the best thing to do is to shut up and agree with whatever he says.
anyway, i'm not clever so it's ok. i've failing my G8 piano exams for 2 years. i'm taking it again this year. i'm not musically talented. i'm doing this cause my father ask me to. however, i don't deny that i love music. you may think that "wow, already G8 le" but it's nothing. i don't know music. i don't understand it. i have no sense of rhythm and tempo and tonality. everybody says i'm so lousy. fail G8 exam for so many times. now you know why.
i don't deny i'm stupid. i'm really stupid. and yet everybody is expecting so much from me. and all of them are so important. which one should i do first? i always ask myslef. all of them are very important. so how? i don't know. it's always like that.
i really don't know what i should do. sometimes i feel like jumping down the building and end my life journey. but if i do so, i'll feel so useless. it would mean that i can't do anything. i've been trying very hard to meet everyone's expectation. sometimes i feel that why am i doing this. i feel so lousy when i don't get full marks for a test. i feel lousy when i cannot finish my assignment on time. i feel even more lousy when my father says that i'm lazy.
my classmates says i'm crazy. some of them really think so. i don't know. maybe one day i will go crazy. and my new home will be at the mental hospital. i don't know. some people says i'm stressing myself. while some other people say i'm so stress free. that's what makes me even more stressful. when somebody says u are so stress free, that means u are not doing anything.
like what i said, no one understands me. i'm just a lonely piece of shit sitting in class everyday.
anyway, tml is chinese new year. so have fun everybody.
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!
新年快乐！
black and white.
12:31 AM